It's Okay to Just Be Nobody: Advice from a Former 'Father God'
I want to share something about what I saw in Amy that I hope will help people understand her better and maybe will help current members to see...
So, in order to be God, Amy believed she needed to transcend the ego-mind. She believed someone with an ego couldn't be God and God couldn't ever have an ego, so she couldn't have one. She related the ego to the mind and believed she lived only in her heart at all times. I know this because she told me this was what I had to do to be "Father God." This belief, specifically, is the genesis of where she began down the rabbit-hole and got lost. And ironically enough, it's exactly where the denial of her own humanity began. I watched her alcoholism, angry outbursts, living in filth, incessant babbling and telling hours of stories about how she was always meant to be Mother God, which sounded like someone who was busy trying to convince themselves. And she was. It was rather sad to watch and hard to listen to at 2, 3 and 4 a.m. for hours on end. None of these things exist in a whole, balanced and healthy person. They are all machinations of the ego, as she defined it. These things and her belief in being an ego-less God couldn't occupy the same space. So this is where she went into a deep denial that, tragically enough, she would never recover from. (And is why I place as much responsibility as I do at the feet of Miguel Lamboy, who fought tooth and nail against me to protect this denial and this delusion for her despite several occasions where she came close to breaking free of it.) Anyway, and unfortunately for Amy, just when you think you have the mind/ego beat, is actually when you have lost. Because only the ego/mind would make that claim. The heart would say "I'm making great progress.", recognizing that in life the battle is never truly won. So here we have a person who is self-aware enough to see these issues of alcoholism, anger and deception and somehow has to be ego-less at the same time. I believe the level of denial it required is what drove her to drink like she did. All of her belief systems were at odds with her reality. The solutions to her problems were hidden behind a Truth that she refused to accept because to her, it meant not being God. She had to explain it all away as something other than what it was. And it angers me, personally, that there was nobody around her that saw and loved the person but rather the God, the idea, which didn't even exist. Limitlessness only exists in the absence of definition. And this was the tragic beginning and end of Amy as "Mother God."
For the current members reading this, I repeat; Limitlessness only exists in the absence of definition. So it’s okay to just be nobody.